Compliments…compliments… compliments

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compliments

I don’t take compliments well. That is a problem. I should appreciate and accept compliments more than I do. I know, I know. It IS a personal issue. But, I usually write about pretty personal stuff, so I have decided to write about compliments and the giving and the receiving of same.

I know it isn’t just me. I know that there are other people out there that have a hard time accepting compliments, too. It is so much easier to remember the slights from others and the bad things that you think you did than the compliments that you received. This is not something I made up – it is a valid psychological thing. (Here is an article if you want to read more on the topic.) http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/your-money/why-people-remember-negative-events-more-than-positive-ones.html

As such, I have starting trying to write down the compliments that I receive – particularly in relation to performing- so that I put more attention and focus on the good things.   (I usually already focus sufficiently on the bad things. Even if they aren’t really that bad. More discussion on that to follow.) Writing down the compliments I receive draws my attention to positive things about what I have done instead of focusing so intently on the negative (which I still do more than enough anyway….)

Compliments are pretty interesting and can often say more about the one giving the compliment rather than the one receiving the compliment. I had a friend recently who stated something to the effect that if you give a compliment such as “I really liked your act,” then it is all about the one giving the compliment versus, “That was a great act.” Really, they say pretty much the same thing, which is “In my opinion, your act was great.” Whether I overtly state the ME in the compliment, as the compliment giver, I am making a statement about my personal opinion. Now, I CAN, as a compliment giver, keep compliments to statements of fact; however, I find that most people don’t do that. Statements of fact include: “Your toes were pointed through the whole act,” or “your kicks were above your head.” Note: even statements that may seem factual are often not. Example: “Your kicks are really high.” That is an opinion. High as in comparison to what? “Your gaze in that act was very compelling.” What gaze, where particularly, and compelling to who? I know this is being really specific, but I recently judged a burlesque competition. I made a comment about a particular performer whose act I really enjoyed – it was polished as well as very emotionally charged (in my opinion). Someone else stated that the act “Didn’t do it for them,” and they “didn’t feel connected to the performer.” (their opinion) These were responses of different observers with different opinions – the act was the same. So remember that the comments and compliments you receive (or don’t) are also a reflection of the person giving them – not just a reflection of you.

With all of that said, I often don’t trust other people’s opinions. I mean – why should I? Do I even know you? Well, maybe I know some of you – But, hey! I don’t know all of you… But, even for those of you I do know, my personal biases tell me that other people’s judgment is often clouded or in some way “not” to be trusted.   Even my own compliments to others have many different meanings. Does that mean that the person is lying – not necessarily – they could be perfectly honest and just filtering it through a different set of lenses than someone else.

For example, my husband will tell me things like “You are so pretty.” I do not believe him. I do not think I am pretty. I think he says that because he loves me. Because he loves me, I am, therefore, pretty. He is insulted. I suck. Yes, this happens.

Another example: I have a brand new burlesque student. They get on stage for the first time. I tell them that they did a “great job!!” Did they? Well, yes – as a first time performer on stage, they did a great job. I did not lie. But, they are not a world class performer (at least not yet.) If they did the same quality in three years would I still tell them “great job?”   Probably not. If they are really good, then I will give them more feedback and, perhaps, even ask them to be in my non-student show. I tell my dance students all the time: “When you are first learning I am going to encourage you more. When you start getting good, I am going to encourage less and criticize more. Know that it is a good thing because it means you are improving and have the capacity to improve more.” In my mind, feedback and criticism are a gift -a gift a lot of people don’t spend the time to give or perhaps even have the capacity to give.

The context and perceived veracity of a compliment has a big impact to me on how much I accept that compliment. One of my teachers and mentors told me after a performance that I did a “great job.” I said “thanks.” Then someone else – a long-time performer – came and told me that I did a “great job.” I was thrilled. I was so thankful and talked to the person about my act. My mentor said “I told you that you did a great job, why didn’t you get excited about my comment?” My response: “You tell everyone they do a great job.” While she may have had a different perception of what that comment meant for me versus a beginner student, as the receiver of the comment, they read the same to me.

Compliments mean more to me when they are specific.   To me that shows that the commenter has taken the time to process my act, maybe even has specific standards that they are addressing. For example, “that act was great.” That is nice. Thank you. But much more meaningful: “That act was great. I really liked your fan work – it was very graceful. Your choreography went really well with the music and you had so much energy on stage.” Again – still opinions, but much more specific. I don’t go away with the feeling that “they say that to everyone.” No – those thoughts and opinions were developed just for me, just for that act. It was more than an overall, big picture, cheerleader perspective. It was specific and thought out and intentional.

Do I need to do a better job of just accepting and relishing in comments I am given? Yes, yes I do. I am very bad at that and need to be more accepting of others praise to me. However, I also have to filter my own judgment into the compliment lens because I do not want to get self-satisfied and smug listening to other people’s compliments of me. I want to go further and do more.

It is important to note that criticisms are also potential fodder along with the compliments. Be careful to accept those with a grain of salt, too. Again, opinions are expressed – tat is the nature of criticism. “I hate that act.” Well, that may be because you hate green and I wear all green in that act. The more specific the criticism, the more you can decide whether or not you want to do something about it. Sometimes people just make statements “You had a hard time with that zipper.” Well, yes. Yes, I did. It took me longer than normal. But, so what? Did it ruin the act? Will it happen again? Maybe – live theater happens. It is what it is. It is not a reflection of you or your skill.

With that in mind, be kind to yourself. A lot of people are overly harsh to themselves. Put on your kind audience filter. I am often surprised that mistakes I know happened don’t actually show up when I take off the Red Velvet filter that knows exactly what I planned to do and what the choreography was. When I put on the general audience filter, I don’t even notice the mistake happened. Being professional doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes – we all make mistakes. It just means that you handle it much better – sometimes to the point others don’t even notice the mistake.

So, this is a lot of all over the place. But so are the comments we receive from others AND constantly give to ourselves. Be mindful when you are giving or receiving comments – be they compliments or criticisms – to assess their impact and usefulness on the receiver (Note: that includes YOU the receiver and YOU the giver – why ARE you beating yourself up like that? – I mean it isn’t doing you any good or making you better just to be negative all the time…)

 

 

 

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Nerves of… Glitter

Tags

friends, glitter high, Great Burlesque Exposition, Most Classic

I was nervous going to Boston – and the nervousness grew.  I have performed at several festivals — and, while the festival atmosphere and the excellent caliber of performers at said festivals certainly can increase the ‘nerve factor,” this was the worst.  I was excited – truly!  I had been accepted back at The Great Burlesque Exposition (GBE) to perform a solo – I won most humorous there in 2014, which meant I got to perform in the showcase and judge the competition in 2015.  This year I was going back – performing a solo, performing with my cancan group The Velvettes, and performing with the Flaunt Follies out of Denver (led by the fabulous Chakra Tease) who needed an extra performer. Wow!  So much performing!

And I love the GBE.  They have an array of classes, everything is self-contained at the hotel, I like Boston (although I rarely make it out of the building after the first day), the organizers are great, the classes are interesting and diverse, and the people are really nice and honestly caring.   Oh – and the shopping…  So, win win win!  And I was rooming with the fabulous CoCo Jewelle (best roomie ever… Except for my husband…).

So, why was I nervous?  Well, normally at festivals I am a goof.  Festival numbers I have performed so far include Shaving, Crazy Housewife, Danse Macabre, and my Cat Showgirl act.  All of these numbers are on the funny or “out there” perspective. GBE is the first time I submitted a classic burlesque act to a festival. And I got accepted. And classic burlesque makes me more nervous anyway because I am so afraid I am….  Boring.  So – big nervous.  Besides, if I am doing a silly or dramatic act and something goes wrong – what do I do?  Make it sillier or even more crazy dramatic. When something goes wrong in a classic number you can’t really make it MORE classic. (Sigh…)

So, the things that kept me sane were crazy busy things.  Taking classes, moderating on a couple of panels, practicing with my groups, feeding my face… I took an awesome master class from reigning King of Burlesque Matt Finish where he kicked my butt in shape, or at least tried to.  I managed all the crunches and leg lifts, but did like 6 push-ups compared to his 100 or so. It was an awesome class, though, once I got over the inferiority of my arms and pecs.   Oh and there was more stuff I did- like practicing standing on a cushy hotel chair because I stand on a chair in my act in heels. Except these hotel chairs are really really cushy. Oh, and then tech rehearsal, and hair, and warming up and stretching because the Flaunt Follies number was the same night as my solo and we did a Vegas style kick line.  Wheee!   All the things.

So, with all the numbers in the show, and two large sets with a whole intermission and everything, I found out I had four (4) numbers to change between the Flaunt Follies kick line number and my hella complicated solo outfit. (Eep!). More to be nervous about…

Before the Saturday night show started, the delightful and energetic Private Tails made a pep talk/speech and I got even more nervous. I did not cry (not after all that work on the makeup) but my eyes got really wet. I got lots of hugs from the performers, which helped.  Love me some hugs!

So, had a blast performing with the Flaunt Follies and then as I am walking back to the dressing room through the hotel passageway maze I start stripping off the rest of my costume. Four of my cancan ladies came back stage and pit-crewed me.  We got me stripped and dressed in just over two numbers so I even had time to breathe and have a little water before heading back on stage.

Getting ready to go on stage and the MC Scratch mentions I won most humorous – I think, bad move because now they will want something funny. (Argghhhh!). But I go out on stage, do my thing. It feels good – not perfect, but good and I make audience eye contact and pour myself out into the audience. (Figuratively, not literally.)   Okay -! Nothing went wrong!  I survived!  Whew!

Time to put on clothes for curtain call so I am in the green room when Matt Finish comes back to get ready for his end-of-show number. He tells me (so sweet of him) that I did a great job and should be proud of myself. (Thank you Matt Finish!!). I watch the last of the show and head back for curtain call feeling a little shaky but proud that I got through my first classic number at a festival without being a total fuck up!  And Matt Finish said I did a good job! (Yay me!)

We are called out on stage in performance order, but the MC skips my name and has to back track to introduce me with the stage crew (and my cancan ladies) insistently yelling my name.  “Was I that forgettable?”  I think to myself.

All onstage for what seems like forever as Scratch (the MC, rememeber) thanks the crew and the this and the that and blah blah. And then the judges come up to give the awards. And I glaze over a bit as they introduce the winners.  And then, most classic, blah blah blah “and she wore my favorite colors of red and black,” and I think “I wore red and black.”  And then my name.  Me – most classic. Wow!  Flying in the fucking air excited.  And my ladies there to be excited with me!  Yiiiiiiiii!  Jumping up and down happy. Literally.   Many hugs, pictures, talking, stuff, the ladies help me carry my stuff upstairs, plans to go to the pool party. “Did you post it on Facebook yet?”  “I haven’t even told Mr. Velvet.”  So, I put the trophy on the bed, take a picture, and hit send to the Mr.   No words, just the photo. And then I post it on Facebook.

Pool party, dancing, food, more hugs, congrats to the other winners. And then 2:30am and bedtime. My body is exhausted but my brain will not shut off. The two pieces of music I performed to that night keep playing through my head. At one point the cancan starts playing in my head and I think “Well, I am performing that Sunday night so at least THAT is helpful.”  Finally, at one point my brain started going over every detail of everything that went wrong in my solo. My brain is telling me things like, “This took too long, You should have made more eye contact here, the boa wasn’t managed well there,” blah blah blah. And I had to tell myself “Stop it!  You won!  How bad could it have possibly been?”  Sometimes the brain is NOT your friend.

So tired on Sunday, but breakfast (so important) and classes and shopping (I bought two amazing corsets.)  Had a lovely dinner with The Velvettes before performing (we were the closing number for the Festival!). So proud of my group – the dancers all did a great job and we got so many compliments. Home Monday, travel, unpacking, laundry, all the mundane things.  But then I got a little sparkle back with rehearsal for the opening skit for the big February Hubba Hubba Review (I got to get hit by a “car” and do a pratfall off the stage.)  Then I headed to teaching at my burlesque class and they had been Facebook stalking me and my weekend!  (More sparkle moments!)

It was good to get home after my trip and be with Mr. Velvet and get back to rehearsal on Hotel Burlesque (we open March 4.). But the glitter high has worn off and I am trying hard not to crash and burn.

The good news is: well, there is so much!  I won most classic – that area of burlesque which I doubt myself the most. Well, maybe the most except the singing…  :). I’ll work on that too…  And it was an awesome amazing weekend and I will never lose that. And I get to go back next year and perform and judge. And I learned stuff, made new friends and became closer to friends I already had. All fucking amazing.  But for me, it is something I can come back to – the win, the triumph, and the love and support of my fellow burlesque performers – when I am feeling less than special, less than good, less than those around me. Like many performers, I can vacillate between pride and shame, so now I have a little bit bigger kernel to brighten myself in those moments when I need a boost. Mr. Velvet asked me “Do you need an award to be happy?”  I replied, “No, but it sure doesn’t hurt.”  But what I do really need to be happy is the love and support of those around me – from Mr. Velvet, to my pit-crew cancan ladies, to my friends, fellow performers, and colleagues on the stage and behind the scenes.  I couldn’t be what I am or who I am without all of the people in my life who love me, support me, challenge me, and inspire me. Thanks to all of you!!

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No More “Throw Away” Numbers…

Tags

choreography, throw away

So, I am trying to make a commitment to myself going forward that I will not create or perform any more throw away numbers. It is going to be hard…

First, you may be asking – well, what IS a throw away number? A throw away number, for me, is a simple number – non-complex, easy to make, non-risky, fun (hopefully). Something I can create quickly and then forget about it – I can literally throw it away. It is a number that is almost as easy for me as walking down the street – I don’t have to put much thought into it – I just have to DO it.

The opposite of a throw away number is one of the numbers that I push through. The numbers that, either because of skill level, emotional quality, story line, or costume, (or all of the above) really push my limits, really make me on edge, maybe even make me a little scared to create and perform them. They are often the numbers that drive me or compel me and are born out of my non-stop vision of them in my head OR they are the ones that I spent months or years lamenting, chastising myself that it can never be done, procrastinating over them because they have to be “perfect,” (and yes, for those of you who know me, even I procrastinate), sometimes anguishing over them – either because they drive me nuts or because they are so emotionally charged that I sometimes cry as I create them or dance them because they make me feel my emotions so very very deeply. They are the hard numbers. The striving numbers. The ones that I feel make me a better performer. The ones that I am not entirely sure how they will be perceived by the audience. The ones that are risky. Those numbers.

But I have decided – that is it – no more throw away numbers. There are no throw aways. Not now, not ever. As I said, this is going to be hard. It isn’t that I don’t like my throw away numbers – I do. I just don’t think they are WORTHY. And that is the part that has to, must, stop.

I realized this last month at Bombshell Betty’s Taboo show. I was doing my strap-on penis fan dance. I wear 6 inch Lucite heels, sparkle jewelry, lavender panties and matching gloves, and a large erect hot pink rhinestoned dildo. Oh, yes, and I have gigantic pink and lavender feather fans that hide my erect pink rhinestoned strap-on until about half way through the number, when the audience gets their first peek at my rhinestoned pleasure penis. (Pleasure being relative in this context because it is a pleasure to behold, but I would not insert it anywhere expecting pleasure because I am guessing it would HURT.) But I digress, because it is fun talking about my sparklized pink penis… Anyway, my point is, to me, this is a throw away number. It is simple – not complex dancing, the usual fan moves, blah blah blah. I was feeling really uncertain about how I was going to get on stage and SELL this number because I was so unexcited about it. I mean, other than the penis. But, if I am not happy with the number, then what does it matter if I am wearing an amazing strap on? The strap on is not the act – I, me, myself, what I bring to the stage, is the act.

So, back to the point – I get on the stage, still uncertain – but thinking to myself to be energized and be amazing… and the music starts (It is to the Meaning of Life by Monty Python with an addition of the penis song by same)… and with me on stage and the music behind me I feel and hear this murmur of excitement from the audience. They were excited about my number before they saw the penis. And their excitement made me excited. And my excitement made my number way better than me wondering why I was doing another ‘throw away’ number. So, I went on stage wondering how I was going to “sell” my act to the audience and I came off stage realizing that I don’t have any throw away numbers unless I MAKE them a throw away number. Great – maybe some of my numbers are easy to create. But they are amazing because I am doing them and because I am amazing. (Note: I am not always this confident and full of myself, but this is a good moment to be full of myself.) Maybe every number isn’t a festival submission quality, but they don’t all have to be. But they do have to have confidence and spark and my energy flowing through them because that is what makes every number I do interesting or not interesting – whether it was the hardest thing I ever performed or me just walking across the stage to the sound of nothing.

If I come to the performance with the attitude of “it’s a throw away number” and that impacts my confidence on stage then I am making it a throw away number. Not because it isn’t hard but because I am not putting enough of myself into it to make it worthwhile. I think I developed the term because it is my equivalent of “oh, this old thing?” when I receive compliments. I am denigrating my work to myself and I realized in performing this one number that this actually negatively impacts my mind set and my performance potential.

So, I have decided no more throw away numbers. I will still create and perform easy numbers and complex numbers. Some numbers will not challenge my physical abilities, my story-telling prowess, or my costuming skills… they may be easy and simple to create – but they are NOT throw aways, because I am not a throw away, and neither are you.

So, lesson – simple is fine. Simple can be good. Everything doesn’t have to be an earthshattering creative experience to make it good. You make what you do good or you don’t. And the more you THINK something is bad the more it will become bad – the more you put positive energy into it, the more you will get back.

Burlesque is in the Eye of the Beholder….

Tags

beauty, burlesque, fact, notonerightway, opinion

So sometimes people ask me, “What is burlesque anyway?” So, I will start with a definition from the online version of Oxford Dictionaries: 1) an absurd or comically exaggerated imitation of something, especially in a literary or dramatic work; a parody and 2) a variety show, typically including striptease. That’s a pretty broad definition, and in my opinion, I like it!

So, as burlesque has gained interest and attention over the years it is interesting to note various comments, articles, blogs (yes, yes, I know – not unlike my own right here thank you very much) about burlesque… What burlesque is, what it is not, what it should be, what it should not be. People have a lot of opinions about burlesque. I am going to repeat that. People have a lot of OPINIONS about burlesque. And most of it is just that – opinions. I have seen people say that you HAVE to do a lot of things in burlesque, all of which are (in my opinion) merely their personal opinions:
1) you have to wear heels
2) it isn’t really burlesque if you don’t use classic moves
3) you have to take off your clothes
4) you shouldn’t go on stage until you are amazing – otherwise it isn’t really burlesque
5) you can only learn to do it the right way from a handful of teachers
6) your costume has to be sparkly
7) and on, and on, and on…… doesn’t it stop?

So, first let me tell you that these things are NOT true. You don’t have to wear heels, you can even be barefoot if you want to. You can use whatever moves you want to – classic or not – it all counts! You don’t have to take off your clothes – you can take something off without revealing everything, you can take nothing off at all! You can even put more clothes on than you started with! All burlesque! If you wait until you are amazing to go onstage, you will never be amazing. Being amazing requires practice in front of real people in real time…. Lots of people can teach you how to do burlesque and there isn’t a “right way.” I like sparkles on a costume, but it is not required. I have never seen anyone thrown off stage for a lack of sparkles. So, these are opinions, and people like to have opinions. And they like to share those opinions. The problem is that many people do not (or never did) understand that what they have are opinions – they think they have facts. And there may be some facts that are important (like it is easier to take off your stockings if you take your shoes off first – maybe not impossible because I am sure you could think of ways to take them off simultaneously, or rip holes in them to take them off first), but everything that people believe is not going to be a fact.

That said, I am going to share some opinions other than my own here today!! Wheee! When I was in Cleveland for the Ohio Burlesque Festival, the amazing and just Wow! Foxy Tann kept reminding the audience – several times during the shows – what burlesque is…. What is burlesque? She said it is whatever you want it to be! Again, another comment worth repeating, and so I will! Burlesque is whatever you want it to be! And I agree with her! It can be singing, dancing, drag, aerial, comedic, dramatic, sideshow. Most of the performers took off clothes during the Ohio Burlesque Festival, but there were many that did not. It did not lessen their performances. (It was a pretty damn amazing festival, BTW). We want burlesque to be an inclusive, well-represented and diverse group of performers!! The more diverse the performers and the show (even having some acts periodically where people don’t take off their clothes) makes for a more interested audience and a happier audience. I always say at burlesque shows – “Don’t like an act? Just wait 5 minutes for the next one!” If we were all alike in our style and demeanor then shows would be BORING….. I love vanilla ice cream. But I would get pretty darned tired of it if that is all I could eat all day every day. I would be like, “Hey, could someone get be some broccoli? Raw, cooked, I don’t care but broccoli sounds pretty f-ing amazing right now.” My husband was surprised at one of the first festivals he attended with me because he “GOT TIRED of SEEING BOOBS!” When that is all that you are doing in your act, is getting to your boobage, and you have a huge amount of acts with the same style, the same type of music, the same type of costume, the same type of body, etc. it increases the likelihood of boob burnout!!! Viva la difference!!!

This applies to a lot of things. I get students that ask me if they can use XYZ music. I tell them that they can use whatever music they want to use! I use primarily modern (different types and genres), but I have some numbers to classical music… some of them are pretty classical – like a “Russian” pointe number I do… but then the number where I come out an old decrepit woman, kill a baby and eat its heart, turn young, and then have a heart attack and die is also to classical music! Do not constrain yourselves!

I also just did an online class with the inimitable Satan’s Angel. It was a really great experience and I recommend it for any performers out there (along with Bombshell Betty’s new online training – Tease! Bang! Boom!). Anyway, in our conversation, I asked Satan’s Angel what she thought about non-classical burlesque. (I had worked on a classical piece with her, but most of what I do is NOT classical). She said, it isn’t her favorite thing, but back in the day, performers had different styles. There were comedic strips, and singing strips. People didn’t just do straight strip – some performers did other things. Even in the world of the classical strip back “in the day,” they weren’t all the same. Watch video of Gypsy Rose Lee, Ann Rand, Ann Sothern! Totally different women, totally different styles, and yet all well loved in the burlesque world. We don’t have to all be the same thing on stage. We should not all feel the need to be Dita Von Teese… Dita is already Dita – we should strive to be whatever it is and whoever it is on stage that excites us and excites the audience.

Last year I performed at a festival and several co-workers who had never ever been to a burlesque show came to see me perform. At the end, the winner of the best act (which was amazing) was loved by everyone. My coworkers said things like “Oh, yes, that act embodied everything about burlesque.” How did they know? They had never been to a burlesque show before. They knew because they liked it!!! The performer put herself into it, and she got the audience into it! So, they went to one show and now they are burlesque experts because they know what they liked (and they know what they didn’t like so very much.) Were they right or wrong? I am sure that some agreed with them and others did not. Again, opinions…. My favorite burlesque act may not be someone else’s.

So, burlesque is in the eye of the beholder. Make it what you want to make it. Present yourself as you want to be seen. It isn’t wrong and it isn’t right. It is ART! It is PERSONA! And underneath your performance, it is all YOU! And aren’t we all beautiful….