Happy New Year!
Here is truly wishing you a great 2017. I know that 2016 was rough for a lot of people and I hope that 2017 is an easier one. That said, I had a lot of really great things happen in 2016 that I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on, even for all the bad things that happened during the year. It is easy to dwell on the negative instead of the positive, so here is to good thoughts and positive thinking!
That said, I don’t usually set New Year’s resolutions for myself. If I want to lose 5 pounds, read more books, whatever it is, I usually don’t wait ‘til the start of a new year to begin the endeavor. However, this year I have set – I will call it a goal – for myself and I really hope that I can manage to achieve it. That goal is to be happier and have more fun in burlesque. “Fun?” you say… “Isn’t that why you do all this burlesque stuff? To have fun? Is it not fun?” Well, yes, it is fun. It is still fun. But it has become less fun because my expectations and demands for myself have increased to the point of obsession…
Let me take you back in time to my second ever burlesque performance. I had a great time, I was over the fright and dismay at my First-Ever burlesque performance and all I had was pure enjoyment. I got on stage, I danced, the audience screamed. I was so happy and excited. After the show, I cried. And Mr. Velvet, being the caring person that he is, asked, “Why are you crying?” And I said, “Because I had so much fun and I may never have that much fun doing this again.” And he basically said, “That is stupid.” He said a lot of other things, too, but they amounted to basically “What are you thinking? Of course you will always have fun as long as you want to have fun and if you aren’t having fun then stop doing it…”
But you know what? I was right. And he was wrong. Because sometimes I know myself better than anyone else knows me, including Mr. Velvet. (And sometimes he knows me better than I know myself, so neither one of us is right 100% of the time – although we would both really like to be right 100% of the time. Or at least I would… I think he really just wants me NOT to be right 100% of the time…)
But, as usual, I digress. So, why did I lose the fun? Because I place such great demands upon myself and upon my psyche. And I do a lot of things. And they are fun, but they are less fun because I have demands upon myself and others have expectations of me and I have expectations of what I should be providing others. And sometimes I get scared because I am afraid I am not progressing or I get so stuck being afraid that I can’t always take the next steps I need to take. My brain gets in my fucking way because it is shouting “What are you doing? Why do you want to do that? Oh, that step again? Don’t you have anything new?” You know, all the negative shit. Because my brain is not Stuart Smalley and it doesn’t tell me every day, “I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!”
So, I have a lot of expectations of myself and where I want to be and what I want to achieve. I have drive. And most of the time that is great because I get a lot of shit done. I do shit and then I do more shit. The bad thing is that I worry that the shit I do really is shit. Not that it isn’t fairly okay shit, but I want to make great shit. I want to “Be all that I can be…” and I am not even in the Army. Well, maybe I am in Velvet’s Army. My huge army of one person.
So, in my effort to make better shit, I forget to have fun making it, creating it. I have the initial idea, which is fun!! And then I get caught up in the doing and the thinking and the “how can I make that better” and sometimes it starts to become not as fun. Now… you say “well, if it isn’t fun, you should just stop doing it.” WRONG!
First of all, it is still fun – it just isn’t as fun. You know – it is like your first trip to Disneyland as a kid is AMAZING… and as you get older it is still fun, but it will NEVER be as fun as it was when you were 8 years old and experiencing everything with a fresh eye.” Well, I just need to figure out how to bring more fun to a non-fresh eye. The question is: How do I bring a little more joy into the process and still improve myself and what I am doing? And have more fun. And sex. I need lots more sex. ‘Cause that is always good to throw in there, too. I could just go out on stage and suck, but that wouldn’t be fun either. (And when I say suck, I don’t mean the sex kind of suck because, while that might be fun, it would not be legal to do on stage…)
Second, my brain won’t let me stop now. I don’t even want to do things sometimes but I am compelled to do them and my brain… will… not… stop. I choreographed a dance to “good old desk” one time, even though I know I cannot take a desk on stage and do this dance, but I had to choreograph it because until I did I could not get the idea out of my brain. It is like my brain is possessed. And then, there is this Trump Hair act that I am working on now – which I did not want to make, but my brain said “HERE IS AN IDEA…” and then the other part said, “how could I possibly …. “ and then my brain said, “You will figure it out, grasshopper…” And I did. And then I figured out the next part and so on and so on. But I can’t stop because my brain won’t let me do that either. And if I did stop, then I would not just be not having as much fun, I would be absolutely miserable…
Now, how am I am going to have more fun? I am not sure, but I am hoping my brain can help me on this. I mean, since I now have it as a GOAL, and since I am DRIVEN, I am hoping my brain will start pushing for FUN, FUN, FUN!!!! Isn’t that how it is supposed to work?
So, wishing myself achievement in my goal of fun (and sex) and hoping the same for you! Happy New Year!