I don’t hate you. I just hate the things that come out of your mouth periodically.
I respect people’s right to do dumb ass shit and I respect my right not to have to see it.
Do NOT go to the grocery store on an empty stomach. No, REALLY….
You aren’t wrong, but I am more correct.
It will be easier, but first it will be more work.
We all have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of snarkiness.
You don’t have to win every battle.
If you are not present, it is hard to be credible.
Screw them before they screw you first.
A degree is not an inoculation against ignorance.
Saying you hate glue guns is kind of like saying you hate nails. It works great for what it is intended to do but if you use it for everything it sucks.
I love people. Except for when I hate them.
I don’t spread gossip, I only repeat unsubstantiated rumors.
Yes, I am an impatient fucking bitch. Deal with it.
‘Do it yourself’ is great, but there are times when buying something is actually the better alternative.
Know what matters and what doesn’t.
Be your own best friend.
Sometimes too much drink is never enough.
Just when I think my brain is in control, my body says “fuck you.”
When in doubt, take two aspirin and freak out in the morning.
It is not communication if no one knows what the fuck you are talking about.
Don’t bring a water balloon to a knife fight.
Bacon cannot solve all of your problems. That is why we have alcohol.
My meeting, my rules.
Please go be clueless somewhere else.
You aren’t learning a thing when you are talking.
If you are going to lie to me at least be plausible.
Truthful people convey, liars try to convince.
The worst things in life are also free.
There is a fine line between secret admirer and stalker.
I will happily love and honor you, but fuck that obeying shit.